@simoncholland: If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they'd leave that one on too.
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@TheSweetestD_: Reasons to jump: 1. Trampoline 2. Skydiving 3. Bungee jumping 4. Kris Kross made you
@UncleDuke1969: Me: Tell me about your weekend. Bob: Why? You never ask. Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative. Bob: That's disgus- Me: It worked! Bye.
@internetluke: A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it's a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
@ArfMeasures: DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day? ME: Hardly any D: That's excellent ME [swigs vodka] But I'm a terrible guesser