If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
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[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Okay
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.