If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
You Might Also Like
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.