If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
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Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
True?
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado