If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
You Might Also Like
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes