If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
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me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Brb my Sims are getting married
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami