If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
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Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.