A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
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(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Gods work.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale