I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
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This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Y’all know who you are.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”