Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
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Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Can Happiness buy money?
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination