If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
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I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.