If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
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In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Are these grass-fed oranges?
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.