@AmericanGent69: If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
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@Alex_LaVallee: My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven. I laughed. ... She stared at me until I paid her.
@drinksmcgee: Someone just told me that they hate bacon... I can't even find words... It's like someone just murdered a rainbow.
@UrbanDouchebag: Book Of Tim, 3:13. Behold, the lord said unto them, leave not your nachos unattended for quickly they become the spoils of thieving women.
@R_A_Dadass: My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven't slept or eaten in days.