If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
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“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.