If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
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And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I’ll be mad as hell!
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Skills
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog