WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
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“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
at ease…shoulder.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon