@LindaInDisguise: If my partner didn't want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I'd respect his wishes and take them off.
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@INDlAN_: *lost in China* Friend: ask that man where we are Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn F: well? Me: we’re in China
@BoogTweets: Judas: How long are your arms? Jesus: Why? Judas: Like in a cross, how long Jesus: A what? Judas:Across. How long across.
@FreckleMcPickle: Been married so long it's almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he's even gonna make it to 1st base.
@Playing_Dad: Her: What do you do? Me: I drill for oil. G: That sounds interesting. M: No, it's really... H: Don't do it, I'll leave M:...just boring