If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
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Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
*launders Kohls cash*
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right