@SaraThomas84: If my phone is so "smart" how come it keeps letting me drunk dial my ex
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@michaelianblack: If we all just agree that we're fine, we'll never again have to ask each other how we are.
@notalogin: You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It's the celery of pets.
@timdonakowski: After weeks of being called lazy, not only did I put up all our Christmas decorations today, I also took them down.