Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
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*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I hope this email finds you in a well
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Sticker placement is key.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.