I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
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Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass