If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
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A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”