If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
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“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Spotted in New Orleans.