If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
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My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?