@WilliamAder: If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
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@scorpicpanda: *gets ponytail caught in elevator door *hands phone to stranger "Hey, could you get a shot of this for me?"
@Amburglar_: When asked by the creepy guy at the bar "Why aren't you smiling?" my go-to answer is always "My yeast infection really is bubbling up."
@GatewayHug: *Holding my newborn son* Wife: What about Mike? Me: Yeah that's it, great name! *Drops Mike*