If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
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Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour