@SeanLowe09: If my wife ever leaves me, I'm going with her.
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@MatCro: Me: "Aw, your baby is cute. How old?" Woman: "Thanks, she's 34 weeks. Do you have the time?" Me: "Sure, it's 972 minutes past midnight."
@KenJennings: *Jesus comes into the house* Judas: Jesus, close the door! Were you born in a barn? *room gets super quiet* Judas: Uh right. I forgot. Sorry
@krisv_723: <Morgue> Me:*gasping sob* That's her. I'd recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.