If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
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My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
LMAO
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids