INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
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Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.