If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
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It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.