daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
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ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district