3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
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My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I found your tweet-up…
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Same post same
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?