If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
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You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.