If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
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[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
A choir of Spring onions
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Cake!!
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.