If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
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*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
The options really are this bad
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.