Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
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Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man