i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
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“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!