Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
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I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Traveler’s camo
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
#Caturday
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia