Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
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Yes
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on