Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
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I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.