If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
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The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.