If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
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“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.