If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
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Fe
Fi
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Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
The honesty is refreshing
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Is this a threat?
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Last-minute gift idea!
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.