If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
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[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?