If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
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If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.