@gemmacorrell: If only.
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@kelseydarragh: we can put a man on the moon but we can't make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
@bornmiserable: MOM: [walks into daughter's room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators' phone numbers on bed] Are you... politically active?
@iwearaonesie: son: What’s taking dad so long? me *pretending I’m looking for something in the trunk because I pulled the wrong fucking lever* wife: He’s acting like he meant to open the trunk instead of the fuel door release
@psybermonkey: Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race? Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs