Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.