@ParaComedian09: If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson's daughter, none of this would be an issue.
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@lilgapeach32: Really not sure why people tell me to "be honest" then get all upset when I tell them their eyebrows need a divorce. *shrugs*
@GrantTanaka: wife: can you check something on my phone for me me: sure what's your passcode w: our anniversary m: w: ANNIVERSARY m: [sweating profusely]
@SillySassySmart: The awkwardness of my life is equivalent to when somebody says "Happy Birthday" and you say "Thanks you too!"
@Rollinintheseat: *Shakespeare resetting his password* "Enter new password." Fortnight "Your password is two weeks."