If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
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I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.