If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
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me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
#MeanwhileinCanada
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat