@GabbbarSingh: If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
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@mommywhitfield: "Honey, don't try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree," is a thing I literally just said.
@papasuncle: I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving. I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
@briancthayer: Kids, eat your vegetables. *reluctantly, they eat* [2 hrs later] *I eavesdrop on their convo* Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
@highinamerica: Spell check changed "important" to "impotent" so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can't get it up.