I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
You Might Also Like
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
some cats are just doing for fun!
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.