If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
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ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.