If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
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ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*