People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
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God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.