If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
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POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.