If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
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Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though